My Spiral--Mental Health Journey

“Your present circumstances don’t determine where you go; they merely determine where you start” – Dr. Lauren Fogel Mersy

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Dear readers,

Trigger Warning: Self-Harm

In my previous post, I mentioned my mental health, which will be dedicated to where my mental spiral began.

It all began during my first year of University; I had a tough time balancing my physical health (migraines) deteriorating, school work, and not losing hope. I’m virtual, and forcing myself to do work is so hard because there’s no one there to remind me constantly about assignments and tests, and my brain is still in summer mode. It also doesn’t help that my mental health is getting worse, making my headaches worse. My anxiety skyrocketed, and I got panic attacks that lasted hours for a few days straight, and I also had to work, which didn’t help. I also think I am starting to develop some eating disorders. My doctor told me that it could be something that has always been there in the background or something that has developed because of my anxiety. I don’t know, but it’s scaring me because my thoughts are worrying me, and I know how bad it will be if it continues, but at the same time, I don’t know how to stop it. I could stop myself from purging, but sadly I did it yesterday like I tried and failed; nothing came out. The thing that scared me was that I tried it. I’m scared now, but I don’t know what to do.

Not only that, but I’ve been down and not wanting to do anything, and I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because of school, I don’t know, but I hope this all stops because I miss my old self, but I don’t know where to find that person. Ever since my migraines came back, who I used to be is slipping away, and now all that is left is all the bad parts. I used to be a pretty happy person who was too pleased and annoyed many people. I was never bored because I could always find something to do, but now I’m bored more often than not and never want to do anything. My brain is consumed with how much I weigh and the food I eat, and I like when I feel hungry and waiting for a time when my family won’t find out if I purposely try to purge. I am constantly anxious and worried and on the verge of a panic attack at any second. I have a pounding headache that reminds me daily that I am living in pain.
A few months after, I finally got diagnosed with Major Depression Disorder, General Anxiety and characteristics of an eating disorder. No, but seriously I was happy about the diagnosis because now I know it isn’t something I am making up in my head. It also gives me clarity on where to go from now on. The problem is it was getting worse.

I cut for the first time a few months back. I have to say it was an interesting experience. I felt as if I was outside my body and watching it happen. I wasn’t in control of what I was doing and was in this weird state of numbness. I don’t know, but I didn’t feel anything. I was dissociated. I didn’t snap out of my little trance until I saw the blood. I still have the scar on my wrist and find myself staring at it for a long time here and there.

I didn’t cut for probably a good few months until yesterday. It was Christmas of all days. I took apart a razor, used the blade, and made two cuts. It was easier than the kitchen knife I used the first time. I don’t know why I do it. I don’t want to die- well, most days, I don’t. I think part of me does it for control. I spent the past two almost three years with my migraines controlling what I did, how I acted, and my emotions. I lost all control of my life and had no idea how to get back in the driver’s seat. When cutting, I control how many cuts I make, how long, how deep, and the location. I’m in control, and it seems to be the only thing my migraines don’t control.

I’ve also hit a dark place, and some days I don’t even want to do any writing, and that’s how you know it’s terrible. I’ve realized that when I am depressed, I tend to do “school” work, but I write when I have a panic or anxiety attack. So lately, writing has been hard because I can’t write or develop ideas.
I increased my medication, and I honestly can’t tell if it is working anymore. I gave up hope that anything would work because I was disappointed many times.

Not to mention sleeping has become a pain, literally. Every night my thighs and ankles become sore and hurt, and adding that pain to my headache pain, it’s tough to fall asleep. The number of times I would be rolling around in my bed for four to five hours at night and finally getting some rest by five am or even six is too much. I have resorted to napping because I can’t fall asleep most nights. For some reason, napping is more manageable than falling asleep, but that might be because I’m too tired to stay awake.

Anyways there’s my little rant. I wanted to write this on Christmas, but that felt wrong somehow.
Thank you for reading; I hope you have a fantastic day or night or whenever you’re reading this.

A. B💜

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The reason for the bow and arrow emojis is that I found this explanation of the bow and arrow and fell in love. One can take any symbol to mean whatever they want, so your meaning of a bow and arrow might differ from mine, and that’s okay. A bow and arrow help me keep my hope and determination in my future. An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it will launch you into something extraordinary. Just remember to focus and keep your aim.