Missing One's Self

“You lost part of existence in the war against yourself” – Anonymous

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Dear readers,

Been a while, and now I’m back. Well, “back,” I’m terrible at keeping a posting schedule, so… I’m sorry, and I’m trying, but we will see what happens in the future.

A lot has happened since the last time I did any creative writing. I will dive deeper into this topic, probably in the next or next few posts, so stay tuned for that. It would always be on Sunday morning at 6 AM EST if I were to post.

Once again, if you think what I’ve written sounds familiar, it’s because I’m still transferring all my Tumblr posts onto Medium and adding an extra thought here and there.
Life has been one hell of a ride lately. I feel like a broken record since I’m always talking about my mental health and stuff. But, yeah, I don’t know what to say to that. I hate it, to be honest. I wish I don’t have to talk about this, but I need to.

The funny thing about depression and anxiety is that finding a way to manage them is like playing tug of war against someone stronger than you. You can have all the determination you want, which might help you gain some leverage, but the other side will win in the end. My mental health is too strong, and I can pull and pull all I want, but it seems to pull harder every time, and I end up with my face in the dirt. I know that sounds dark, and you can win, but it doesn’t feel like that. I don’t think like that. I want to feel like that, but I don’t.

What makes everything worse is that I don’t know what is triggering it. One day I’m up and happy. The next, I want to be gone. I hate it. Not to mention, when my depression isn’t acting up, my anxiety is. It’s like one day, I have a panic attack all day, and the next, I’m depressed. It’s a fucking rollercoaster and not a fun one. Add my migraines to the mix, and everything becomes ten times worse. 

My headaches have worsened, or I’ve been getting new symptoms. I feel like passing out about three or four times a day; I feel like I’m in a dream because everything has a white undertone and is fuzzy and hard to focus. With my headaches getting worse, it just worsens my mental health. I’m on medication and seeing a doctor, but nothing has worked.

I miss myself. I miss how I had a morning and night routine that I stuck to every day. I miss how organized I was about school and could get myself to pay attention in class. I miss how I enjoyed the company of others. I miss how my smiles were less forced and more natural. I missed when I didn’t have a constant throbbing in my head as if someone was trying to juice the information out of me. I miss myself.

I don’t even know what this is, but here I am writing to people who don’t know, but I guess that’s the beauty of it. You are all a bunch of strangers, but strangers I don’t know either, and in a sense, you can be more honest. It’s funny how you usually keep a tight lip when it comes to strangers, but when you have something on your mind, you spill everything to them. It’s weird, but it happens.

The good thing is that I have a counsellor I’m talking to and have an appointment lined up with a therapist. I might even do group therapy, so I’m getting help and trying to get better. I hope you get service if anyone reads this and is going through something similar. I know you may not want to, but your future self will thank you one day.

It’s sometimes funny to me how something invisible can do so much damage to someone. I can’t physically see my depression or anxiety, but I know it’s there from the chaos it has caused in my life. I hate invisible illness because, half the time, I feel like I’m going crazy or I have somehow made it up. I know I don’t, I know what I’m feeling is there, but in those dark times when I’m trapped in the darkest corners of my mind, I feel like all of it is fake. There’s no physical proof of anything abnormal happening in my body, yet I feel like utter shit all the time. It’s stupid and irrational, I know. But that doesn’t stop the way I think or the thoughts running through my mind. I hate it, and yet there’s nothing I can do, I don’t know how to stop, and I feel like I’m going in circles.

Thank you for reading; I hope you have a fantastic day or night or whenever you’re reading this.

A. B💜

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The reason for the bow and arrow emojis is that I found this explanation of the bow and arrow and fell in love. One can take any symbol to mean whatever they want, so your meaning of a bow and arrow might differ from mine, and that’s okay. A bow and arrow help me keep my hope and determination in my future. An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it will launch you into something extraordinary. Just remember to focus and keep your aim.