First Week of Uni + Moving Out

“Change can be scary, but you know what’s scarier? Allowing fear to stop you from growing, evolving, and progressing.” — Mandy Hale

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Dear readers,

I know it’s mid-November, and I’m putting this out now, but better late than never.

I’m a second-year student at University, but the first year was all online, so I felt like a first-year student.

I don’t live on campus — I couldn’t get a spot — but I live in student housing not far from campus.

I was so nervous as the time came closer for me to move out. I was stress-packing, then panicking, then stress-packing some more. I wasn’t worried about living on my own and having to cook, clean, do laundry, go grocery shopping, and do school, but I was more nervous about whether or not I would fall back into a depressing black hole as I did during my first year of University.

I started cutting during my first year of University. I wasn’t eating correctly and was so stressed that I was too wired up to sleep. This all happened in the comfort of my own home, so I was scared I would fall once that safety net was gone. That’s what worried me. I’m not a great cook, I never cooked at home, but I wasn’t worried about not being able to cook food. I was more concerned about deciding not to cook so I could starve myself. I was more worried that if I got too overwhelmed, I would cut. I was more concerned about letting myself retreat into the deepest darkest places of my mind. My parents thought I was worried about being on my own and having to cook.

So when I moved in, I was nervous. I had to hold back tears before my parents left because my worries were suddenly coming too close, and I felt overwhelmed. I hated it.

But after two days, maybe three, the volume of my worries quietened, and I could enjoy being in a new city by myself. I get along great with my roommate, my apartment is fantastic, and I was adjusting.

Have I cut yet? Nope.

Have I had the urge? Definitely.

Have I purposely told myself I wasn’t hungry when I was? Yes.

Did I purposely go days without eating? No.

Did I hate myself for the decision to eat a meal? Yes.

Do I regret eating that meal? Sometimes.

I’m still incredibly fucked up, but I’m trying to keep everything in place and not feed into my urges. I have a therapist to talk to, and I’m working on it.

Let me tell you; the campus is big and confusing. I seem to be born without a GPS in my brain because I and directions are a no-go. I get lost in the simplest of buildings, and it’s laughable. So I relied heavily on google maps to get me around for the first two weeks of school.

I still managed to get myself lost.

On the first day, I spent forty-five minutes finding the entrance to the building because they were doing construction, and I couldn’t find a way in. It turns out I had to enter the adjacent building and go through the tunnels from there, but I was lost and confused and ended up following people around like a lost puppy.

Waking up early was a struggle, but I managed it.

Getting back into a schedule wasn’t as hard as I thought, but that was until I got sick, and everything went to shit. (That’s for another post)

I made friends in every class, and I felt okay.

Some days were hard, but I’m still here and fighting to stay here.

Thank you for reading; I hope you have a fantastic day or night or whenever you’re reading this.

A. B💜

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The reason for the bow and arrow emojis is that I found this explanation of the bow and arrow and fell in love. One can take any symbol to mean whatever they want, so your meaning of a bow and arrow might differ from mine, and that’s okay. A bow and arrow help me keep my hope and determination in my future. An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it will launch you into something extraordinary. Just remember to focus and keep your aim.