All I Ask Is For A Break

“I just want to stop the time and breath I know not how I feel or maybe, maybe I am too tired to feel. Yet, I can sense the coldness in me. That will return once the night gets darker.” — Richa

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Dear readers,

Everything has been weighing me down so much that I feel like I have a fridge on my back.

Headaches are getting worse ✔️

Depression is getting worse ✔️

Anxiety spiking ✔️

School becoming overwhelming ✔️

Work becomes heavier ✔️

Lately, my migraines have been getting twenty times worse. I didn’t think it was possible, but the week I spent in hell was proof enough. I barely remember much of that week, to be honest; I mostly remember being in pain, sleeping but not getting a night of good sleep, and darkness. It was horrible, and I wouldn’t wish a quarter of that pain on my worst enemy.

I was talking to a friend who has migraines but not as bad as I do, and her sister does as well, so she understands the pain more than most people I know. Anyway, she brought up a point that I thought was interesting. I know there’s no way around it but just saying. Why is it more expensive to live a pain-free life if you are in pain? Like, I didn’t ask for migraines, but I got them. I didn’t ask to have them every single day and some of the worst pain I’ve ever experienced, but I got them. I didn’t ask for any of this, but I have to pay for medication that works to get a fraction closer to a pain-free life. Like I’m lucky I live in Canada, and health care is accessible to an extent because of the number of doctors I’ve seen, my medication list, all of that would’ve probably put my family out of a house. I am grateful for that, but those medications I’ve tried have done nothing more than cause other problems like nausea, constipation, dizziness and drowsiness. They haven’t worked for me. The other alternatives, like injections or devices or more vital medication, are not covered by OHIP and thus are extremely expensive. I know there’s no way around it. I understand, but that doesn’t stop me from thinking it’s unfair. It may be my depression speaking, but yeah.

I can’t remember a time when I didn’t have a headache. I can’t remember when my body wasn’t in pain, or I didn’t feel like I would pass out any second. It’s only been three years since my migraines have gotten this bad, yet they have changed everything about my life.

I would honestly take a day or even an hour of migraine-free time. An hour. An hour is not a lot, but to me, an hour without headaches, dizziness, blurry vision, visual auras, sensitive senses, nausea, and everything fewer migraines cost me is like a paradise. I wish, I honestly want.

There was a time when that was possible. I did a nerve-blocking procedure, and I won’t get into the details now, but if it had worked, I could’ve had a few hours where I wouldn’t feel the headache. Keyword: could’ve.

Like I just want a break from everything. One day when I’m not depressed or having a panic attack. One day, I don’t have a pounding headache messing up my life. One day, I’m not stressed about my health, school work, grades, and everything on my plate—one day where I’m just relaxed with no underlying issues.

Do I wish to die? No — well, not most of the time. I always say I wish to go into a coma and be physically in this world but mentally take a break from everything. I don’t know what it feels like to be in a coma, but the general idea is just to be passed out to the world and give my mind and body some time to relax.

I hate this. I don’t even know how to get out of this funk. I don’t care about anything anymore, which means my school work is slipping because I show up to the exams but nothing else. I don’t know what is going on in my classes, and I do the assignments but not the homework or watch the lessons. I hate it. My parents keep telling me to try harder or get out of the mood I’m in, but I have no fucking clue how to do it. Like I can’t get out of this, my marks are slipping, which makes me want to get into a program I want impossible.

Please let me know if anyone knows how to get out of a depression funk. I’m desperate.

Anyways, I feel like I’m repeating myself a lot, but I treat this page like a weekly personal journal and post them because if anyone is going through the same, they will know they are not alone.

Thank you for reading; I hope you have a fantastic day or night or whenever you’re reading this.

A. B💜

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The reason for the bow and arrow emojis is that I found this explanation of the bow and arrow and fell in love. One can take any symbol to mean whatever they want, so your meaning of a bow and arrow might differ from mine, and that’s okay. A bow and arrow help me keep my hope and determination in my future. An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it will launch you into something extraordinary. Just remember to focus and keep your aim.